God’s terrible mistake

On the third day of creation, God made a mistake so extreme that the world still hasn’t fully recovered.

I know, it’s hard to believe, but after two days of creating a whole universe you’d have trouble maintaining perfection too. The physics involved in creating gravity alone would be enough to drive a mere mortal crazy, but God also had to worry about about the math behind photosynthesis and metabolism and cytokinesis, not to mention quasars and globular clusters and black holes. So with all that engineering to keep straight, it’s understandable that He’d slip up and create something He never intended to make it to earth. Perhaps it was just a little side project He’d come up with for heaven that fell into the wrong pile of blueprints, but however it happened: that innocuous looking plant ended up on earth, and we’ve had to pay the price ever since.

I’m not talking about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, though one has to wonder what God was thinking there as well. No, I’m talking about a far more heinous plant that has no business existing. I’m talking about marijuana.

This plant, when ingested, causes people to relax and mellow out, and since God likes us to remain in conflict with each other (preferably by invading people in other countries and ostracizing people who believe and act differently from ourselves in our own nations), this plant goes against everything he stands for. It also helps people with chronic illnesses fight pain and nausea, and if God didn’t want these people to suffer, He would have created a plant that helps them feel better (oh, right, I’m going to have to rethink that one).

Fortunately for God, He’s got conservative leaders to help clean up His mess. Religious and political conservative leaders, for the most part, realize that God didn’t mean for this plant to grow in God-fearing nations, so they do their best to eradicate it completely from the land. Even if it’s growing naturally out in the wilderness where God originally put it, they know He couldn’t have possibly meant to put it there on purpose, and that it has to be eliminated.

Of course it’s possible that God didn’t screw up here. Perhaps He realized that people would be tempted to use His creation and that this would help support the burgeoning prison industry in America.

Either way, we need to be ever vigilant to ensure that we avoid this ungodly plant so we can remain edgy and in constant conflict with one another, and we need to continue arresting people who do use or sell it, because we don’t have nearly enough people in prison yet. And if we do need to calm down for a little while, there are all sorts of prescription drugs that God does support which we can use to medicate ourselves.

[Postscript: I can’t believe I have to say this, but some people have failed to realize that the above was satire. No, God has never made any mistakes, which means that He fully intended for this particular plant to exist on earth, and hence anyone who tries to eliminate it from their country is the one actually claiming God made a mistake.]